


what if i did

by MadHatterNO7



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9822101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadHatterNO7/pseuds/MadHatterNO7
Summary: He comes out of the hospital void of blue forget-me-nots stuck in his throat, void of all kinds of feelings for Kevin Day. But he returns,every single damn time, with his heart overflowing with jealousy and anger, so much hate, andso much lovefor a boy he can't have.Hanahaki Disease AU





	

**Author's Note:**

> This spent way too long in my drafts because it didn't come out the way I wanted to - it still hasn't - but I guess this will do.
> 
> Based on this: "The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The flowers can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals. It can be cured without side effects only when the feelings are returned."
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

 

When the media talks about them, it’s always _Riko and Kevin_ , never separate entities. One is never mentioned without the other. They’re always together, inseparable, unbreakable. Some part of Riko, the selfish part, _the part that wants to devour more than he can take_ , wishes that were true.

 

Riko lies in bed, surrounded by petals. A reminder of his own weakness, perhaps. He fights the desire to laugh.

 

His chest is still marred by scars, one after another, overlapping each other. He doesn’t remember how many trips he’s made to the hospital, Tetsuji forcing him to get rid of those flower petals that were not yet on the verge of suffocating him.

 

He then comes out of the hospital void of blue forget-me-nots in his throat, and void of all kinds of feelings for Kevin Day. But he returns, every time, with his heart overflowing with jealousy and anger, so much hate, and so much love. His feelings are like a hand grabbing him by his throat, refusing to let go whenever his thoughts wander to Kevin.

 

He closes his eyes and supposes this is the most effective revenge anyone has come up with.

 

 

-

 

 

Privacy is not a thing in the Nest. Secrets aren’t exactly secrets, and if something dares to come out of your mouth, everyone will know by the end of the day.

 

The Ravens like to pretend their soul are black holes, a void with no entrances and exits. They like to crush and choke on their feelings and force them down their throats than to voice them, and that usually results in a trip to the hospital with a surgery lined up. It isn’t unusual for someone to start having coughing fits in the middle of practice, or in the change room.

 

So no one gives a second glance at the crushed petals littered across the floor of Riko’s room.

 

 

-

 

 

Riko doesn’t remember a time when hospitals aren’t a part of the routine. He doesn’t remember what it feels like not to yearn for another soul, another body pressed against his. Doesn’t remember what it feels like to smell something without smelling full bloom. He doesn’t remember how to feel content, and comfortable in his own skin.

 

He feels empty even though there are flowers growing inside his lungs.

 

And sometimes he wakes up to white ceilings, white walls, white sheets, white bandages across his chest. Sometimes he wakes up to his body aching with fractured pieces of dreams and fantasies about black hair, black uniforms, black tattoos, black eyes.

 

Blue flowers.

 

Bathroom tiles. Overflowing sinks.

 

Constants, constants, constants.

 

 

-

 

 

Riko has lost count somewhere between the ninth and tenth visit to the hospital. Tetsuji has resorted to physical violence whenever he finds Riko suppressing his coughs, almost as if it would beat it out of him. Riko would spit the blood from his mouth and he wouldn’t think about how he was flushing little blue flowers down the toilet an hour ago. He would look proud and undefeatable, back straight and head high, accepting whatever Tetsuji has for him without as much as a wince.

 

Tetsuji leaves him battered and bruised and aching for an end, red and purple matted with healing yellow.

 

Jean only comes to his room when he’s carrying a first aid kit these days. He would apply antiseptic on Riko’s back with a mask of indifference on his face and stitch up some of the worse looking cuts that are definitely going to scar. They don’t talk about it, whatever _it_ is, and when Jean finishes up, he slams the box closed, walking out of Riko’s room as soon as it’s done.

 

Riko coughs, immediately covering his mouth with his hand, and regrets it because the action pulls on his stitches. When he pulls his hand away, crushed flowers are sitting on his palm, and Riko wishes it were blood instead.

 

 

-

 

 

Riko is drowning.

 

He’s always drowning.

 

His lungs don’t work as well as it did before, which is almost a given with all the half healed wounds on his chest from being emptied out so many times. Drills and practices that he could have completed with ease now leave him breathless and desperate for air, for a solution that isn’t _surgery, surgery, surgery_ again.

 

On some days when Tetsuji felt like it, he would make him run extra laps around the court, and Riko would bite down as hard as he clenches his hands, digging his nails into his palm. He would then run until his lungs and throat burnt, until his legs and arms felt numb, then join the rest of the Ravens with their drills.

 

Riko is drowning, and Kevin Day is the goddamn sea that’s pulling him in.

 

 

-

 

 

Riko hugs Kevin in front of the cameras and he resists the urge to cough when Kevin awkwardly pats him on the back. For a brief, fleeting moment, he wishes this wasn’t for publicity, and he pretends it doesn’t hurt when Kevin freezes when Riko snakes his arm around Kevin’s waist. He remembers a time when his touch didn’t cause fear. He doesn’t remember a time when someone touched him like he wasn’t a monster.

 

He lets go because Kevin _wasn’t his_ no matter how much he wants him, no matter how much he tries to convince himself, and smiles the smile he’s been taught since he was old enough to be out in front of the camera.

 

He is Riko Moriyama, the Raven King. He is Riko Moriyama, and he has the weight of his surname rested upon his shoulders, a blade pressed against his throat.

 

He isn’t Riko, who has forget-me-nots stuck in his throat because he’s head over heels in love with someone he can’t have.

 

 

-

 

 

Kevin tells Wymack and Abby that he’s going to the bathroom before Andrew forcibly drags him back onto their bus, and he seems surprised when he finds Riko staring at his own reflection in the bathroom. Riko watches Kevin square his shoulders in a moment of courage instead of turning away to find another bathroom and leaving him alone.

 

Seeing Kevin Day again is scratching the newly formed scab after a particularly bad fall and then panicking when it starts to bleed again. And it’s not even metaphorical because Riko has ripped his chest apart every single time his feelings for Kevin start to suffocate him, and the wound never heals properly before he has to cut it open again.

 

Kevin takes a step closer to Riko, and stills. He opens his mouth and closes it again, like he has something to say but doesn’t know how to phrase it.

 

Riko’s gaze on his reflection doesn’t waver. He clenches his jaw. “Spit it out, Kevin.”

 

“…How long?” Kevin asks, voice coming out higher than what he expected, and clears his throat.

 

Riko raises an eyebrow at that. “What do you mean, _how long_?”

 

Kevin sighs, closing the distance between them. Riko’s knuckles are white from how hard he’s gripping onto the sink and his lips are quivering when Kevin picks up a loose blue petal from the ground, holding it out to him.

 

And Riko laughs, the sound surprising both of them. The laughter prompts another round of coughing, and more petals slip between his fingers. The sink is tainted with small drops of blood and blue flowers by the end of it, and Riko turns on the tap to wash away worse of it.

 

“How long have I been coughing up forget-me-nots? Or how long do I have left before I suffocate and die?” Riko asks, his voice so weak that the words are barely making it out of his lips. “Not long, I’m sure. Don’t worry.”

 

“That’s not what–”

 

“That’s exactly what you meant,” Riko whispers harshly, picking up one of the petals, wet and stuck on the basin. “Forget-me-nots, Kevin. You remember that conversation, right?”

 

Kevin remembers which conversation Riko is referring to, even though he doesn’t want to.

 

It was night, and one of the Ravens were escorted out of the Nest after leaving carnations all over the pristine tiles of the shared bathroom. They were sitting on the same bed, doing their homework or whatever it was back then, when Kevin asked, seemingly out of nowhere considering they had been working in silence for a very long time, _what kind of flower would you be?_

 

Riko frowned, never thought about this until now, and answered with the first flower that came into mind. Kevin nodded, going back to his work. It wasn’t until later when Riko had almost forgotten about this conversation, when Kevin said _forget-me-nots_ , like he had taken all this time to come up with something fitting.

 

“Riko, I…” Kevin starts, but trails off because he doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t want to know what this implies.

 

Riko laughs again. “No, Kevin.” The _I hurt you_ is swallowed down, and he turns to look at Kevin instead of the reflection of them in the mirror.

 

He’s still tall as ever, eyebrows furrowed as he watches Riko. The heaviness in his chest turns into full blown pain, and he makes sure his smile doesn’t waver as Kevin continues to look at him wearily.

 

“I’ll just get it removed,” he shrugs like this doesn’t matter, like this is no big deal, when he knows he can’t keep on making trips to the hospital. Kevin stands, unmoving when Riko starts to make his way out of the bathroom, walking past him. He stops just as before he opens the door.

 

“You’ll never let me love you, anyway,” he hears himself say, and he doesn’t have it in him to allow himself to figure out whether Kevin heard him.

 

 

-

 

 

Perhaps in another time and life, where Riko isn’t so damaged – isn’t forced to become a monster filled with thorns and claws so he could defend himself – he would be happy. He wouldn’t have a weight suffocating him, wouldn’t have bruises on his legs or along his sides. Wouldn’t have flowers growing inside him, reminding him that _he deserves this after what he did to Kevin_.

 

Riko lies in bed, surrounded by petals. He’s dying, his bed a coffin and this is his funeral _and oh god he needs to write it down somewhere - like a suicide note or something - that he doesn’t want any forget-me-nots anywhere near his grave_.

 

He fights the desire to laugh.

 

He manages a weak one anyway, which proves to be a mistake because he ends up coughing up even more flowers.

 

Tetsuji is out somewhere for a meeting today, and Riko knows he won’t be back anytime soon. Although some part of him is yelling at him for being so _stupid_ , letting himself go like this, another part is relieved, reason still unknown to him because the truth is a puzzle he’s too tired to figure out anymore.

 

Riko is drowning. He has always been drowning, and has always been stubborn enough to keep swimming up to breath into fresh air again. But today he’s not going to fight it. Today, he’s going to close his eyes and let the currents drag him further away from the shore.

 

He’s going to let the sea take him.

 

 

-

 

 

 

And when the media talks about them, it’s a one line description in a magazine featuring an exclusive interview with Kevin Day that doesn’t even detail a fraction of who Riko used to be. _The first exy player to die of Hanahaki Disease, Riko Moriyama was the former captain of Edgar Allen’s Ravens and Day’s childhood friend._

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Tumblr @[arentwelost](http://arentwelost.tumblr.com)


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